Abstinence

It is no news that sexual abstinence is going out of style. Young people don’t even give it a thought because being a virgin is not cool. Girls aren't left out here. Practices that were considered unclean or extreme in early times are normal now. Going anal is cool, so is masturbation, bestiality, orgies, homosexuality and lesbianism. Getting to this point was facilitated and is currently maintained by the media. The belief that sex sells has made every advert sexy. Clothes must be sexy, lingerie must be sexy, employees must be sexy, even furniture should be sexy. Sexiness is in and chastity is out.

Despite the sexy noise going on in the world today, which I like to call the “over-sexualization” of humans, some people seek abstinence but do not know how to achieve and sustain it. Most do not believe it is even possible. For the virgin, the issue is simpler as he or she has not yet been exposed to sex. Hence, would have lesser urges. Virgins simply need support and reinforcement of sorts. However for someone who has tasted of the deep waters of sex, grace is required. The first step to achieving this feat is the realization that it is possible.

Know your reason
This is the most important milestone in the journey of abstinence. The reason defines the quest. In hard times, it is what will keep you holding on. There are several reasons to abstain from sex. Most common among them is religion. Personally I think the fear of a lake that burns eternally is enough reason to abstain from premarital sex and adultery.

Keeping oneself for marriage is a good one. I think marriage is worth the long wait. Marriage is a good place to learn together in bed. If you are still going to have to learn your spouse’s sexual preferences, why not wait for that one person and build the preferences together? In some cases the individual simply desires a different lifestyle form what is considered the norm and this influences his decision to have sex or abstain from it. Others include a disinterest in sex, fear of sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancy etc
 

Your reason for abstaining from sex is totally your choice. Choose wisely because the strength of your reason will define the success or otherwise of your quest. 

Make a decision
After you have identified your reason for abstaining form sex, you need to make a decision that you will not have sex and that you will stay true to the decision. You must be convinced that you can do it. This is what monks and nuns do. They make a decision to abstain from sex and marriage altogether. You have to admire them. They must be extraordinarily strong, right? How are they genetically different from you?

After you have made the decision, realize that you must build a lifestyle that supports it. You might have to move house, change friends and scene completely. You might also have to change your partner. This depends on your age and readiness to marry. If you are young and not ripe for marriage, you might consider not dating entirely. Dating complicates the issue because it is the same as dangling a roasted chicken in front of a hungry man.

Master yourself
Society dictates a lot of things. It even dictates what you think you can or cannot do. Society will tell you for instance, that it is impossible for you to abstain from sex because you are a man. This means that you are weak and powerless against the dictates of your boy. Your body is more powerful than you are. In fact we are told that the penis is a brain by itself and it does what it wants. This is degrading. Whatever happened to self control? You own your body. Your sex organs are simply organs. You can control them. All that you require is determination and discipline. Don’t let your urges control you. Rather, master them.

Focus
Place all you concentration on your work or on your religion. If you are abstaining for religious reasons, there should be religious activities that will keep your mind off having sex. Prayer and church work for instance. If not, you could bury yourself in your work or studies. You’ll be more productive and accomplished because you would have invested a lot of effort and time into your endeavor. It is important not to leave room for idleness because we have heard at one time or the other that an idle mind is the devil’s workshop.

Watch what you consume
In keeping up with your chaste lifestyle you will have to avoid materials that will make your quest even more difficult. Materials such as sexually themed videos, music, movies and books. Like I said earlier, you might want to stay away from friends who will complicate issues either by shaming you or tempting you. You should also replace the sexual materials with those that will aid your abstinence. Materials such as holy books or philosophical literature will help reinforce your stand.

Do not tempt the devil
If you aren't ready for marriage, you might want to give up dating altogether. Kissing and petting won’t help your resolve to abstain from sex. It would be best to keep away from all sexually related activity. I am sure you’ll think this is hard. What is hard is engaging in sexual activity without having sex. I shall repeat that with a strong resolve, abstinence is very possible.

Get back up when you fall
Realistically, you might not attain perfection. That rarely happens. Sometimes, you might give in to temptation and have sex. However, this does not have to mean the end of your resolve to abstain. When you stumble and fall, get up, dust yourself and try again. Note what made you stumble and resolve to keep away from it. At least you would have learned something form the incident. Don’t beat yourself up. You won’t win any prizes for it.

Eyes on the prize
Once again, I reiterate the importance of the reason. At the point when desire is raging and all sense is lost, you need a strong reason to focus on. Keep your eye on the prize and focus on the fact that it is worth all that you are giving up. Most religions it seems, are against premarital sex. If this is the case, why then do most people believe that it is impossible not to have premarital sex? It could be because they have no prize. You have established one. Focus on it.

Plan your life
To maintain a life of abstinence from sex, you might have to alter your life plan a little. It would make sense to consider getting married early. For instance, a man might want to plan towards getting married early, say 22 or 25 years. This will keeping him focused on earning a living early and building enough to sustain his family. All the time that would have been spent on sexual escapades would have been spent trying to make money even while still in school.

Dating rules
If you must date, maybe because you are ready to marry, do so in groups. Several churches have such arrangements. They facilitate a sex free courting period. Here you could get to know your partner-to-be in an atmosphere that won’t leave room for desire to overcome you both.

Also ensure that you two are never alone. Do not talk dirty on the phone and resist the urge to send nude pictures to each another.

All these scenarios would not even arise if you sat down to have a serious conversation about your expectations. It is important especially for the man to feel no shame in telling the lady that you do not want sex before marriage. You can only continue to date such a person if she shares your views or values, or if you are convinced that she is prepared to wait with and for you.

For those who seek power, spiritual or otherwise, noted German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche says "Abstinence results in accumulation of power".

In conclusion, if you do not learn to abstain while you are single, you are setting yourself up for a fall when you get married. This is because, in marriage, there will be times of abstinence. Self mastery and discipline are lost values in these times. Attaining them would be a feat worthy of commendation.