Walking Out Of An Unhappy Relationship

You're unhappy with your relationship but not sure whether you should keep trying or not? Here's when to split:
A dozen sound reasons for getting out of a relationship:

1. If You've Been Hurt Physically
Temporary Insanity may have worked for Lorena Bobbitt, but you're not running a court of law. Ignore excuses and apologies; if violence has surfaced, it will surface again. Get out at the very first strike.


2. When You're Totally Incompatible
If your lover's dream is to drop out and become self- sufficient on a farm somewhere, and you're a city person with ambitions, one of you is going to be seriously unhappy if you stay together. Or, if you always want to go out and he or she always wants to stay home, look for someone whose social style is closer to yours.


3. When He Or She Isn't Even Close To Your Fantasy
If you're a longtime luckless single, you may be tempted to stay with someone just because they're available and willing, but don't do it. He or she has to turn you on somewhat; there has to be some chemistry and some future.


4. When He Or She Just Can't Say "I Love You"
Even if there's chemistry, if someone can't express their love for you with affectionate gestures, nurturing, and the magic words, "I love you," you'll never feel really satisfied with them.


5. When He Or She Is Just Not There For You
If you've been dating for more than six months and you can't count on him or her to come and get you if your car breaks down, or to be your date for New Year's Eve, or even to feed your goldfish when you're away on a business trip, then you don't have a solid relationship.


6. When You're Afraid To Express Yourself
Being in love should bring out the best in you. It should help you be less self-conscious and make you more open and alive. If instead, you worry that you'll upset the applecart if you say what you think, or if you're afraid that the least little thing will destroy the delicate balance you've achieved, or if you feel like you're walking on eggs all the time, get out.


7. When Your Self-esteem Is Suffering
If your relationship is demeaning, makes you feel bad about yourself, leaves you feeling like you're never listened to, and you're getting more criticism than praise, then it's time to get out. A good relationship makes you feel respected and loved, worthwhile and good about yourself.


8. When He Or She Is A Philanderer
Philanderers usually leave track records behind them (see "Qualifying Someone"). If you discover your mate has that kind of history, don't believe "never again." The heartache and torment will never end. And in the age of AIDS, any kind of a sex life with an unfaithful mate means condoms forever. Who needs this?


9. When He Or She Commits An Unforgivable Act.
There are single acts which are so beyond the pale that they should mean THE END. If he or she sleeps with your best friend, stands you up at the altar, or commits murder, dump him or her with no second chances. Even if you were to able to forgive, your self-esteem would never recover, and you'd still always be angry at him or her underneath.


10. When The Same Problems Reoccur
Sadly, loving someone doesn't always guarantee that you can happily spend the rest of your lives together. If you've broken up and gotten back together, and you're still having the same fights, the same problems or different versions of the same problem, especially if you've tried relationship counseling, then give up and find someone else.


11. When He Or She Says "I Need Some Space"
The relationship seems to have stalled, and then your partner mumbles something like, "I want time," or "I want space," or "I want to date," or "I need to devote myself to my career." Almost always, what he or she means is, "I want out." These things happen. Don't drag it out. Say, "Sounds like you want to break up. I'm sorry you feel that way, but I understand. I hope we can remain friends."


12. When The Relationship Just Doesn't Progress
Relationships have a natural progression. If you're not progressing and you can't pinpoint the cause, you might want to try relationship counseling. However, if he or she won't go, and things don't improve, the relationship is coming to an end. Again, these things happen. Don't drag it out

A True Sad Love Story

Eze was living in Abuja before he got admission to go to UK for his masters. He had a girl friend called Jennifer, who was so helpful and even assisted him with live as a bachelor finding his feet in Abuja. When Eze got the admission, Jennifer called her elder sister Cynthia who lives in UK so she can pick Eze at the airport, help him settle down before Eze will find his own house. Cynthia picked Eze as arranged and let him stay in his parlour but after 4 days Cynthia asked Eze to join her in the room so she can save money from heating the parlour at nights. The winter was so bad n cold one night, Cynthia and Eze made a body contact on the bed which was very electrifying and led to them having sex. This continued every night. After sometime Cynthia could not stand the guilt of answering Jennifer's call and her questions about how Eze was behaving, told Jennifer to forget about Eze that Eze was now dating another girl here. Jennifer tried to talk to Eze but he stopped picking her calls. After 2 years plus of secret relationship, Cynthia and Eze now want to get married. Jennifer is excited in Nigeria that her sister is coming home with a man that is going to marry her without knowing the man is her own Eze. How do you think Jennifer will react and how do you advice Eze and Cynthia to go about it? 

Please advice

By Sidney Chiemeka Iroegbu (guest blogger)

Going Steady

In your relationship you will always make promises. Make sure you do this after you know enough about that person. Just because he says he swears on you doesn't mean he will keep it. He will lie to you and you will lie to him just to keep things happy and perfect, just because you get into fights doesn't mean your relationship is ending, sometimes it means that you guys are growing. So just hold on, but if you are unhappy tell him, don't keep it in. Before you ask someone to go steady with you, or accept an offer, really consider it. There are a lot of fun people out there, people you might be interested in. Are you SURE you are ready to turn them down because you are already taken? One of the worst things you could possibly do is say "yes" because it´s nice at the time, and then break the trust later because someone else seemed interesting. It´s much better to admit you´re not ready to shut off all options, and be honest up front. Are you going steady?

How To Manage Conflict In A Relationship

Great relationships develop not from the absence of conflict, but from determining an agreeable pattern for how to resolve conflict. Defining the rules of engagement for how you "fight" with someone you care about is ultimately much more important than trying to never have a disagreement.
If you care about someone, then consider adopting these 10 rules as part of the way you communicate with them when you are trying to resolve a conflict:
 
Rule #1: Don't yell.
Adding emotion clouds the clarity of what actually happened. If the other person is yelling, it becomes especially important that you don't raise your voice so as to prevent a natural escalation of competing interests.
 
Rule #2: Always start and end the conversation by affirming that you care about the other person.
In the midst of a disagreement, you can never underestimate the power and importance of reminding the other person that you care about them and believe in them.
 
Rule #3: Be open to the idea that you made a mistake even if you are sure you did not.
People rarely get upset for no reason, so there is a good chance that there is at least a kernel of truth to what they are saying.
 
Rule #4: Don't speak in generalities of another person's behavior; speak only to direct examples and instances of action. It's hard for anyone to own up to a generalization and so you'll likely just see his or her defensiveness activate. By isolating an instance of fact, everyone can quickly see where he or she was right and wrong.
 
Rule #5: Always work to be the first to apologize when any dispute arises.
Although the idea of waiting for the other person to apologize first seems vindicating, it's actually a guaranteed sign of how you care more about being right than in coming to a reconciliation.
 
Rule #6: Focus on trying to discover what's right, not who is right.
When thinking about what happened, try to remove yourself from the situation and evaluate right and wrong based solely on the actions that took place regardless of which side you're on. Treat it as if you are refereeing someone else's game.
 
Rule #7: Do not cause
Exaggerated language is often proof of an exaggerated understanding of what actually happened. If you swear, the other party is likely to only hear the expletives and will stop listening for any validity in what you're saying.
 
Rule 8: No name-calling.
Belittling a person always shifts the focus off of resolving the actual problem. Verbal abuse is never welcome to a conflict resolution party.
 
Rule #9: Remind yourself the other person also cares about reconciling the relationship.
One of the fundamental causes of many disagreements is feeling hurt that the other person is no longer considering your perspective, but if they didn't care about a resolution with you they wouldn't be fighting for one.
 
Rule #10: Remind yourself to never expect the other person to fill a hole in your life that only God can fill.
Sometimes we fall into the trap of placing improper expectations on other people because we are hoping for them to satisfy a need in our life that they are not really capable of satisfying.
If we are fighting with someone, it means we both care about finding the best course of action and we both care about preserving the relationship. If we didn't care about one another, then we would just ignore each other and leave.
The reason these 10 rules are important is because as long as they are in place, then no disagreement or conflict will ever shake the critical bedrock of knowing that the other person cares about you. As long as we know the other person cares about us, it will give us a common ground to work from as we try to unite two seemingly conflicted views.