Sunday 28 April 2013

Relationship Dependency


Are you obsessed with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Is your mind clouded with thoughts about him all the time? Do you love and want him so much that it hurts? If the answers to the above questions are yes and you want to make a change and get your life back to normal, read on.

Tips and Warnings


1. Remember that you are born an individual. 
Remember that you were born alone and did not come attached with your boyfriend. You have lived your life before he came into the picture and sure he must have made you feel complete, but never forget that you are born an individual.

2. Do not let past experiences or past relationships control your present. 
Remember that every relationship is different and just because the previous ones didn't work out or just because your friend's relationships set an example to you, doesn't mean you can apply the exact same principles to every relationship. Being clingy and letting your boyfriend take the place of God in your life, just to ensure this relationship doesn't slip away, is the wrong way to go.


3. Know that men enjoy their space. 
Men enjoy, honour, and need space more often than women do. By letting your life revolve around him all the time, he may feel too suffocated. You need to let him have night outs with friends and let him spend individual time nurturing his personal and individual life for him to come back to you energized.


4. Be More assured of yourself. Men love confident women. 
Confidence in a woman attracts men and when a man can see that a woman is able to handle herself with grace, he sees her as a healthy woman and thus sees that he can have a healthy relationship with her.
Men love women who take care and look after themselves.
Remember, that you have to be CONFIDENT and not OVER CONFIDENT. Let there be times where you consult him on decisions you need to take and make it a point to share your feelings from time to time, to stay connected with the relationship.


5. Pamper Yourself. 
Every once a week (or however often you want) make sure that you pamper yourself. You could do this by going for a head massage, a manicure, pedicure, facial, a bubble bath. Or if you do not wish to spend, you can just light some candles and dip your legs in hot water in the comfort of your home.
Remember if you neglect yourself for your boyfriend, you may lose you appeal and charm, something that he fell for you for in the first place.


6. Take Some Me Time.
Take time off and spend time with yourself. Use this time to reconnect with yourself. Take the phone off the hook, switch off your mobile phone and just do whatever you like, but do it alone. Solitude once in a while, helps one reconnect with oneself and feel happy about oneself. You could do this by pampering yourself, listening to your favourite music, watching TV, catching up on a movie, reading a book, a walk to the park or an evening watching the sunset. It makes you realize that you need to love yourself for others to love you.

7. Find a hobby.
 Everybody is gifted with a talent, but one needs to nurture it to get better. Find a hobby and work at it to get better. This not only takes your mind off your relationship for a while, but it also builds up your esteem, confidence and keeps you healthy and happy. Take up anything like painting, playing a musical instrument, pottery, sewing, reading, fishing, drawing, etc. If you have difficulty finding a hobby, you can keep trying different things till you find something you like the most. Join a dance/book/singing club to make new friends while you are at your hobby. It will make the process more interesting.


8. Do Not Forget About the People Who Were In you Life Before your Boyfriend Came Along. 
You obviously have had friends, relatives and your family, who were the people in your life before you entered into a relationship. Don't throw away or ditch any of these just because you have a boyfriend. Not only will you need them someday, but having these people and spending time with them, will help you stay connected to yourself.


9.Meet New People and Make New Friends. 
Don't devote all your time and affection to your boyfriend, Keep meeting new people, take up new projects and be friendly, Build acquaintances and make friends.


10. Schedule your time.
Plan your dates and time with your boyfriend well in advance so that you know when you have time available to reconnect with yourself.

11. Remember all the people you are. 
You may be a girlfriend/partner/wife now, but you also are daughter/sister/mother/cousin/friend/aunt and most importantly you are yourself. Strike a balance between all these relationships and yourself.


12. Strike A Balance Between Being A Girlfriend and Being Yourself. 
Do not devote all your time to yourself, this will not help. You are in a relationship and you need to reserve your time, love and affection for your partner too. Strike a balance between him and yourself and spend time accordingly. Do not phase him out.


13, Check for Self Esteem Issues. 
Most of the time, the reason for being clingy and devoting everything to your boyfriend may be a result of low self esteem and confidence in yourself  Check for such an issue, identify the problem and come up with resolutions to build your esteem. It is important to have faith in oneself.

Saturday 27 April 2013

Before A Breakup


Lately, your relationship has felt rocky, at best. You’re “not sure where this is going.” Before you break it off with your significant other, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Am I just angry?
Before you make a decision to end things, make sure you’re initiating a breakup for the right reasons. Don’t impulsively call it quits. Slow down and evaluate: Is this decision purely an emotional one? Wait until you’re calm and can carefully weigh your breakup motivation. It’s easy to give up when you're exhausted or in the middle of unresolved conflict.

2. Can we work it out?
Can you two work it out? Also important, do you want to work it out? Is there anything about this relationship that’s worth salvaging? Even if you're still unsure about your commitment to the relationship, try to pursue healthy conflict resolution. Talk about your concerns, voice your needs, and apologize for your role in the current situation. Listen to your partner and respect how he/she is feeling. If you can resolve — or at least calmly address — conflict, you can better assess the future direction of your relationship. You might discover that you're both still willing to fight for each other and give the relationship another chance. (But even if you still end things, at least it’s not in the middle of a fight.)

3. Am I jumping to conclusions?
When times get tough, it’s easy for the mind to drift to fantasyland. Don't get caught up in the “grass is greener” games, concluding that life will be better once you re-enter the land of singleness. Don't assume your current state of unhappiness is solely the fault of the relationship. (What happens if you break up and you're still unsatisfied?) Nor should you leap to conclusions about the relationship just because a friend’s doomed relationship had a few parallels to yours. Try to take things at face value, not jumping ahead, exaggerating situations, or daydreaming your conflicts away.

4. Did I communicate openly about what I need? 
If you initiate a breakup, will it catch your significant other off-guard? Don't let a breakup spill from pent-up bitterness and resentment. Let the “Should we break up?” question motivate you to talk openly about your needs, desires and concerns. Instead of blaming your partner for your restlessness, communicate that you're itching for adventure. Instead of just secretly wishing for change, you might end up pursuing the things you love with your loved one’s enthusiastic support. Choose communication over cutting him/her off. Communicating transparently with your partner might kick-start a healthier relationship; in the least, it will contribute to a deeper understanding of what’s really causing the relationship’s breakdown.

5. How will my world change when we split?
Before you break up with your partner, prepare yourself for what’s next. Things will change. Your housing situation may get complicated. Your social life will change significantly, both in how you spend your time and in whom you spend it with. Your daily routine will no longer be routine. While the fear of change or the unknown shouldn't stop you from leaving an unhealthy relationship, ending things before you've considered the first few steps pre-breakup can make a sad situation even more stressful and overwhelming.

6. Will I regret ending the relationship?
As you’re considering the consequences of breaking up, ask yourself if ending the relationship will be something you'll ultimately regret. Deep down, do you believe you're giving up too quickly? Do you still believe, deep down, that he’s “the one”? No one wants a “one that got away. ”It should be noted that regret is not the same things as “feeling bad.” Of course you'll hate to hurt your partner’s feelings, and will be sad to end something you once hoped would last a lifetime. Regret, however, is painful disappointment in yourself for missing out on something that could have been good. It makes moving forward difficult. 

7. Is initiating a breakup just playing a game?
If you're secretly hoping that a breakup — or even just a threat of a breakup — will bring the two of you closer together, it won't. Don't play games with either of your hearts. If you want things to get better, assert yourself and invest time and energy in the relationship. Never use the threat of a breakup as a tool to initiate change.

8. Is anyone influencing my decision to end the relationship?

Who in your life is on Team Breakup? Are there friends or family members pushing you toward this decision? Evaluate their motives — they may have identified relationship red flags that should not be ignored, or they may have selfish, unhealthy reasons for pushing you toward a split and make sure that you're at peace with your decision, regardless of outside influences.

9. Have I given this relationship my best shot?
A relationship will fail eventually if you’re not all in. Don't blame your partner for the crumbling of a romance if you haven’t given your best to the

Friday 26 April 2013

Rebuilding Trust In A Relationship




We can't rebuild trust in a relationship until forgiveness occurs. To forgive, you have to be willing to give up your feeling of being wounded. trust connotes; “To grant pardon to; to cease to feel resentment against; to cancel an indebtedness or liability of.”  Sometimes old hurts and resentments become a badge of self-righteousness.  When we let go, we may not know what to do. Think of your resentments as a heavy load that you are carrying around and the load gets bigger and heavier with time.  Notice how the load holds you in the past.  This first step in rebuilding trust and forgiving is letting go.  In order to move on, you must commit to releasing your feelings of anger, resentment, and the need to punish the person with whom you have lost trust. 

Sometimes, we're afraid to let go because we're afraid that this would mean that we're condoning the other person’s actions.  Forgiveness does not deny responsibility for behavior – you have simply committed not to hold the other person in debt. The Positive Way explains forgiveness this way: “Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.  It is a release from the burden of anger and pain.  When you choose to forgive, you choose to live in the present and the future instead of the past.  It does not mean to forget but it does mean to release and go on.  Forgiveness doesn't happen on its own, you must choose to forgive.

There are three parts to an apology: 
1) Say, “ I'm sorry [for the issue]”; 
2) Make a statement of commitment; 
3) Ask what you can do to make it right.  

Only when you forgive the person who wronged you, can you determine if you want the relationship to continue, and if so, begin to work on reconciliation with the other party. Sometimes, you may determine that the relationship cannot continue and you should then forgive the person and move on.  It is still important – for you as much as for the other person – that you pardon the person of wrong-doing so you can both be free.

Restoring trust and rebuilding the relationship requires that you be in the present (versus reliving the past – you let that go!) and determine what you need from the other person in your relationship.  Be willing to clearly ask for changes in behaviors in ways that can be observed and understood.  Offer similar changes yourself to support your request and show your commitment to the relationship and willingness to change.  Put your agreement in writing when appropriate (especially in professional relationships) and check in with each other on a regular basis to be accountable to each other for your part. 

At times, old fears and suspicions may resurface.  Similar circumstances may bring up the old pain.  Remind yourself of the difference between then and now and move back into the present moment.  You may choose to speak openly to the other person about your recurring fears, focusing on sharing, not accusing and own the fear as yours rather than the other person’s fault.  This is when transparency and honesty are most valuable.  This is about making peace with the past and living in the NOW

Thursday 25 April 2013

Relationship and Trust


A willingness to be vulnerable is a significant feature of lasting relationships — ones in which partners are allies, not foes. The need to form a mutually protective alliance is innate, This need persists throughout life; the search to be both cared for and caregiver underlies falling in love. Long-lasting couples manage to keep this vulnerability alive. Each person’s awareness of the importance of partnership underlies his or her attentiveness to the other. This “protective love” focuses on the partnership and the ability to put the other first.

Such deep caring comes easily at a relationship’s beginning. Lust and novelty keep us attentively glued to each other when we fall in love. It’s in the next phase, when routines and irritations set in, that protective love is tested. Deep connectedness — feeling our partner’s triumphs and setbacks as our own — is a hallmark of the early stages of love. We are careful with our words and behavior and take care not to wound the other. Remaining this attuned to a partner takes energy and commitment. Barriers may still stand in the way, though.

Our busy lives mean we have to make an effort to take the time to talk and catch up. Such moments are essential for keeping empathetically tuned in to one’s partner. You need to motivate yourself to go out together, just the two of you, to focus on each other after a long day at work. This is the choice that long-lasting couples make. In a successful partnership, “I” develops into “we,”, and “independence” into “interdependence. ”Fear of dependence on another. 

Growing up means becoming strong and standing on our own two feet, which implies independence. We can be reluctant to admit we miss our partner when they're not there. But obeying a rigid script of independent adulthood does not allow a close relationship to grow. We can take note of our need for our partner, our disappointment and loneliness when they are away, and give ourselves permission to miss them. Prolonged stress tests protective love. Taking the long view — using memories of past happiness as insurance for the future — can help. Recalling our original commitment and promises to each other can help love endure the inevitable rough patches.

Securely attached people tend to have positive views of their relationships, often reporting a great deal of satisfaction in their relationships. They feel comfortable both with intimacy and with independence, seeking to balance the two. When they do feel anxious, they try to reduce their anxiety by seeking physical or psychological closeness to their partner. During difficult situations they seek support, comfort, and assistance from their partner. A secure partner then responds positively, reaffirming a sense of normality and reducing anxiety. This expression of love puts into practice the key elements of a secure partnership: consistency, attunement to the other, and availability when needed.

Thinking about the concept of attachment in your relationship can add new meaning and help you develop a deeper, lasting bond. We all need someone we can rely on in order to maintain a sense of well being. Knowing your partner is encouraging and rooting for you frees you to concentrate elsewhere. Secure and supported, you are able to produce, enjoy and be open to new experiences.

Wednesday 24 April 2013

Friendship


True friends express authentic emotions to each other without fear. They understand that friends must be able to trust each other when they are most vulnerable. There is trust, honesty, empathy, and an exchange of material and social gifts. They offer to help each other without prompting and form committed relationships based on unconditional support. They are true friends who act in caring and generous ways – selfless and transcendent. They learn to share emotional experiences and use their signature strengths in the service of the friendship.

The mark of true friendship is mutual aid, regard, and concern for the other. True friends come to your rescue, celebrate your success as if it was their own, and respect the ebb and flow of your life. They show trust, forgiveness, gratitude, honesty, commitment, support, enthusiasm, and gladness toward their friends without expectation of gain or return. Children and adolescents who learn to take good care of their friends hearts, minds, and souls open the door to true friendship for themselves 

The value of friendship is often the result of friends consistently demonstrating the following:

The tendency to desire what is best for the other
Sympathy and empathy
Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth
Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
Enjoyment of each other’s company
Trust in one another
Positive reciprocity — equal give-and-take between the two parties
The ability to be oneself, express one’s feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgemen. 

That's what friends are for!!!!

Tuesday 23 April 2013

Relationship And Distance


If you’re contemplating, or are involved in, a long distance relationship then here are some tips that can help you to ensure that absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

1) Agree to the rules.
It is crucial that before you embark on any type of distance relationship you agree to the rules of your partnership upfront. There needs to be a set of ground rules that you both agree to and are prepared to try and abide by. Some of the things you may wish to discuss include whether your relationship will be monogamous or not, who will be expected to visit who and when, and how frequently you will be expected to communicate with one another. If your partner has very different expectations of the relationship than you do, then you need to be prepared to discuss these in detail and be truthful about whether or not you really are prepared to agree to them. Sometimes it is better to cut ties before the long distance relationship starts than it is to attempt to carry on an unhappy partnership.

2) Have an end in sight.
One of the most important elements that any long-distance relationship needs to have is an end. Both parties need to understand how long they will be expected to live without their loved one and when they can expect a more normal relationship once again. Again, it is crucial to be truthful with one another and set realistic expectations about how long the relationship will be carried out over a distance. If you are not entirely sure never be tempted to halfheartedly select a random date as this will only lead to disappointment and potential resentment.

3) Trust one another.
Trust is vital to any relationship but it really does get tested with any long distance relationship. If you honestly feel that you can’t trust your partner while you are separated then you should ask yourself why and address those issues. Don’t be tempted to continually check up on your partner while they are away as you will eventually drive them away.

4) Make an effort.
Unlike many relationships you will not be around on a daily basis to show your loved one how much you care. You will therefore need to make an extra special effort to tell them how you feel and to demonstrate how much they mean to you. Send them text messages at random moments to show them you are thinking of them, hand write letters or send packages of special items. Going that extra mile will help recognize how important you are to them and they will feel confident and comfortable in the relationship.

5) Keep a level of normality.
Many long distance couples find that when they are together their time is spent is cram packed with activities, dinners out and tourist type visits to major landmarks in the host country. This is all well and good but you should also try to leave time to do things that give your relationship a sense of normality, like lazing around in bed on a Sunday morning, watching mindless television or cooking for one another. Keeping things real will give you both chance to relax in one another’s company and you will feel better for it. Do always remember that all couples do argue at some point and, if a visit does not go particularly well do not not automatically assume that it means the end of the relationship, ever single relationship does through peaks and valleys so do not put yourself under pressure for everything to be perfect all the time.

6) Communicate regularly but with flexibility.
All relationship experts will tell you of the importance of regular communication in long distance relationships. This is undoubtedly of utmost importance but you do also need to be able to enjoy the life that you are leading. Do set a regular time aside for communicating with your partner but don’t let it dictate your life. If you are invited to an event or evening out that clashes with the proposed time for contacting your partner tell them plenty of time in advance and arrange an alternative time that you both can commit to.

7) Do things together.
Even though you are physically apart there remains a number of things that you can do together. Arrange a time to watch the same show or movie simultaneously, share a glass of wine while chatting online, read the same book over the course of the week or share a recipe and cook it together. Free internet voice calls using companies like Skype mean that you can put your computers on and spend time doing normal things in each other’s company. You don’t need to be talking but you can feel closer and that you do still share elements of each other’s lives.

8) Leave something to remember you by.
When you visit your partner place hidden gifts or notes throughout their home, car and personal possessions. Be as creative as you can so that they find them gradually over a period of time. Each moment they do find something you left behind they will be reminded of you and will be given confidence that you do love them and are thinking of them

Keeping Up With A Relationship


All couples go through ups and downs; not every day is going to be full of romantic interludes and marathon make-out sessions. But that doesn't mean you should call it quits – even the most proactive pairs can fall victim to bouts of boredom. If you and your partner are feeling uninspired where your relationship is concerned, you might be in a rut. To help you refresh your relationship and get back on track, i have put together some simple tips aimed at retooling your twosome. Here are six rut-busting strategies for a new lease on love..

1. Keep learning about each other
There's more to your partner than meets the eye, and no matter how long you've been together there's always something new to learn. "Continually see your partner as a work of discovery," When we've known someone for a long time, we tend to label them. For example, we think of them as "hard-working" or "smart" or "dull." Resist the urge to label – it's a one-way trip straight into a rut. Instead, start every day with a renewed curiosity about your significant other. "There's a lot you don't know, and by remembering that, you can then set out to discover more about your partner every day,".

2. Continue to date
As relationships develop, the flurry of dating activity (complete with flowers, candles, dinners out and long periods spent gazing into each other's eyes)to each other's eyes) tends to lead to a stage where both people stop trying to woo one another – which can quickly turn into a rut,  "Reserve one night a week that is just for you. Make a big deal out of it," Whether you go out or stay in, spend this night focused on each other in a way that you haven't been since the beginning stages of your relationship. 
Learn relationship advice to keep your romance alive and discover fresh ways to get a new lease on love. 

3. Ditch distractions
How many times have you sat in the same room as the person you love and not exchanged a single word? If you spend more time bonding with your BlackBerry than with each other, it's time to disconnect in order to reconnect. "Eat dinner together and do not bring electronics to the table," Tune into each other and tune out from reading materials, your phones and your iPads. 
In the evenings, spend 15 to 20 minutes plugging into each other every night, unplugged from the Internet, TV and other electronic distractions.

4. Spice up sex
If you're going through the same sequence of moves every time you have sex, it's no wonder you're both bored, Bowman says. "Having sex at a different time of day and in new locations – give the bed a break and explore totally new territory". Try new positions and seducing your partner in a new way. (Send a sexy text in the middle of the work day when they wouldn't expect it, for example.) 
"Get creative," she says. "Creativity is key."

5. Maximize the mundane
The stress of life – long days, epic to-do lists and endless piles of laundry – can often stifle the spark in your relationship. But i suggests taking the mundane and making it fun. "Too often we do things separately in an attempt to get them done more efficiently, but we lose our togetherness in the process," Instead of toiling away solo, get chores done together. Turn on music you both love and clean the house together, work on the bills together and run errands together. 
That way you can catch up while you work (which is especially important if you haven't had much time to talk lately).

6. Be spontaneous
If you want to shake up a rut you need to embrace change. "Many people see change as a stressor, but it's often just what a relationship needs to feel new, It doesn't have to be extreme. It can be as simple as finding a new hobby, eating out at a new place, or both of you trying a cuisine you swear you don't like. "If you're open to new experiences, you will have more to experience with one another, and a lot more to talk about.

Whatever strategies you try, just know that the more effort you put into your relationship, the stronger it will become and the better you and your partner will feel about each other.

Jazz up your relationship by being spontaneous and creativ

Friday 12 April 2013

Friends With Benefits


 The relationship of friendship with (sexual) benefits has become increasingly popular. What underlies this attraction and is it a relationship that is beneficial? The answer to this is far from clear.

The complex emotional experience of romantic love involves two basic evaluative patterns (a) praiseworthiness--positive appraisal of personal characteristics, and (b) attractiveness--an attraction to external appearance. While the first pattern underlies friendship, the second underlies sexual relationships. Romantic love combines the two types of evaluations in a profound and intimate manner. Genuine romantic love involves profound caring and a commitment to at least try seriously to maintain the relationship.

These types of relationships include sexual relationships, friendship, and romantic love. Unlike casual sexual affairs, romantic love is a serious matter. Friendship is also not a casual relationship--we do not make friends with all our acquaintances. Friendship assumes the continuation of the relationship over a period of time and a depth that is absent from mere casual acquaintances. However, as friendship refers to a less comprehensive interaction between two people, it requires a less comprehensive commitment than romantic love.

In addition to the relationships of casual sex, friendship, and romantic love, another possible relationship is that of "friendship plus," or what is known as "friendship with benefits." Such a relationship is very common among people in their 20s (research suggests that over 50% have had such a relationship at least once), but it occurs among other age groups as well. It prevails both among young people who are not yet ready for a comprehensive committed relationship and among more mature people who are already in such a committed relationship-for example, when they both are married and are not satisfied with being mere "friends," but do not wish to be committed in another comprehensive relationship.

In friendship with benefits, the friendship and the benefits are typically non-exclusive recurring sexual (or near-sexual) activities. The bond and commitment in friendship with benefits are less deep than in romantic love but greater than in casual sex. While romantic love usually involves a similar relative weight to the friendship and the sex components, in friendship with benefits the friendship component is of greater weight, and the sex component is a kind of icing on the cake. Hence, the two partners have often been friends or lovers first, prior to achieving the position of being friends with benefits.

Sex between friends with benefits is more recurring and affectionate than that of a one-night stand, although the sex is not part of romantic love. Research shows that men appear to focus more on the benefits and women more on the friendship. A related, but still different, kind of relationship to that of friendship with benefits is that of "no strings attached." The essence of the latter is a casual sexual relationship with no other conditions (restrictions) attached. However, friendship, including friendship with benefits, implies strings-in addition to mere acquaintance, certain commitments are to be fulfilled. In friendships with benefits, strings are attached more to the friendship component and less to the sexual one.

The policy of "no questions asked" is often associated with a "no-strings-attached" relationship. When there are no restrictions on a person's sexual (and other) behavior, there is no place for making normative inquiries concerning this behavior. The policy of "no questions asked" applies only to the benefits of a "friendship-plus," but not to its friendship component.

These relationships offer the advantages of caring friendship and sexual enjoyment without the emotional turmoil and commitment associated with romantic love. The disadvantages are that they lack some of the advantages of romantic love--in particular, the continuous and deep bond to the other. The partner in a friendship with benefits is often not the first priority of the agent. In the long run, this person is second best--second to the person with whom the agent wishes to have with a profound, committed, and intimate relationship. Some measures of preference, exclusivity and uniqueness regarding the first priority are typically required.

A major reason for maintaining friendship with benefits is the fear of commitment as the boundaries of such a friendship are not clearly defined. The low level of commitment can result in a decrease of passion and intimacy. The desire to enjoy the benefits of all worlds often diminishes these benefits. Furthermore, a significant aspect of friendship that is often lacking in friendship with benefits is that of openness. Even though these friends might be able to talk about everything else, the no-strings-attached sexual component typically prevents them from being open about their primary sexual relationship.

To avoid commitment, the following advices are often given to friends with benefits: Do not have expectations, have a time frame for the relationship (e.g., not more than three months), limit your time together to no more than two hours a day, talk on the phone only once or twice a week, keep friends out of it, don't do pillow talk, no sleeping over, and do not romance the partner. These artificial rules might impede the relationship from developing into a committed one, but they cannot stop it from doing so.

Can people have many friends with benefits? Although there are no strings attached to the sexual component of such a relationship, the partners still like to feel that they are unique to each other. Hence, some types of quantitative strings may nevertheless be attached to the sexual component as well. Moreover, it can be unpleasant to have a few friends with benefits who know each other. People may not like to know everything; a kind of partial ignorance associated with positive illusions is beneficial in friendship with benefits.

A friend with benefits is not Mr. Right, but he may be the right person in certain circumstances. The temporal aspect of friendship with benefits is complex. Certainly, it is longer than casual sex and briefer than pure friendship; it can be longer than an unsuccessful romantic relationship but briefer than a genuine successful one. The bond in friendship with benefits is typically temporary and conditional upon one participant not wanting it to become deeper and more comprehensive, and upon finding an alternative partner. If the bond in friendship with benefits is good, it is likely that one or both participants will want to upgrade it to a profound, committed romance.

When only one partner falls in love with the other, a major difficulty arises. In such a case, this person might cross the boundaries of friendship with benefits and begin to behave like a lover. The lack of reciprocity can then be painful and destructive. If the friendship with benefits results in a strong bond, it may begin to feel incomplete, whereupon the wish to complete it can arise. But such completion can shatter the relationship. The thought of your beloved naked in the arms of another person is extremely difficult for a genuine lover, even if the naked person is "merely" a friend with benefits.

In a somewhat similar manner, many exciting online romantic relationships are killed the moment the two people upgrade them into a comprehensive offline romantic relationship. In both cases, the satisfaction and enjoyment stem from the difference between these relationships and regular comprehensive and fully committed romantic relationships. Upgrading a friendship with benefits means giving up its advantages, and in a sense killing, as Oscar Wilde said, the thing we love. Consequently, friendship with benefits is often desirable in theory but fails in practice.

Wednesday 10 April 2013

Emotional Bank


We all know what a financial bank account is. We make deposits into it and build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals when we need to. An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship. It's the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.

If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you'll get my meaning anyway. You won't make me "an offender for a word." When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.

But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low. Then what flexibility do I have?
None. I'm walking on mine fields. I have to be very careful of everything I say. I measure every word. It's tension city, memo haven. It's protecting my backside, politicking. And many organizations are filled with it.

If a large reserve of trust is not sustained by continuing deposits, a marriage will deteriorate. Instead of rich, spontaneous understanding and communication, the situation becomes one of accommodation, where two people simply attempt to live independent life-styles in a fairly respectful and tolerant way. The relationship may further deteriorate to one of hostility and defensiveness. The "fight or flight" response creates verbal battles, slammed doors, refusal to talk, emotional withdrawal and self-pity. It may end up in a cold war at home, sustained only by children, sex, social pressure, or image protection. Or it may end up in open warfare in the courts, where bitter ego decimating legal battles can be carried on for years as people endlessly confess the sins of a former spouse. Always maintain a good reserve so, your Emotional Bank Account is not overdrawn.

By Collins Godwynn Ndukwe(Guest Blogger)

Tuesday 9 April 2013

Nagging and Criticizing in a Relationship


 Nagging is the art of pestering someone over and over until they do what you want them to. Nagging has embedded itself into most relationships, and criticism is the act of indicating the faults of your partner in a disapproving way.

It's so hard to stop nagging because of faith. If one person in a relationship fears their  partner won't do what they are supposed to, they feel compelled to keep asking their partner to complete the task.

After repeated asking, the partner gets annoyed, which makes it incredibly likely they won't want to cooperate. And the vicious cycle repeats..

If your relationship suffering because of control issues? Learn to stop nagging and being hypercritical.

Do what works for the relationship, not what works just for you.

There is no reality, only perception. What seems real and true to you isn't necessarily the same for your partner. Try to understand how your behavior feels to someone else. For example, you may feel that you're giving guidance, but your behavior may be interpreted as condescending.

If you're trying to change your partner, take a look at yourself. You may have your own issues to deal with.

Don't white-knuckle your way through life. Let the natural flow of things happen, and your stress level will drop dramatically.

If you need professional help, get it. Realize and acknowledge that the situation is out of control, and talk with somebody about it.

Practice "thought-stopping." Whenever you feel the urge to nag, say, "I am not going to do that".

Don't demand behavior; command it. You may be able to make your spouse kiss you hello each day, but that kiss will mean more if it comes on its own.

Make a point of telling your partner when you're proud of him/her, too. Keep a good balance.
Nagging is an enemy of love, if allowed to persist

Monday 8 April 2013

Maintaining A Terrific Relationship


Respect your partner. In order to have a happy relationship, allow your partner to maintain a sense of dignity. Don’t ever call your husband names or make degrading statements about his worth, even during an argument. Listen to your partner. Make sure they feel like they are being heard. Taking time to listen is one of the best ways to show someone you respect them.

Accept your partner for who they are. Don’t nitpick. As long as your partner is doing his or her best, don’t criticize them. Did your boyfriend do the dishes, but not put them away exactly where you think they belong? Let it go. Sharing responsibilities means that things won’t always be done your way. For a happy relationship, don’t try to change things about your partner. There might be a thousand things about your wife’s personality that drive you crazy, but unless she’s actively hurting someone, let it go.

Make sure your life together is filled with more positive interactions than negative ones. Make time for fun. Don’t let all your experiences be only about work, be hearty approbation and lavish your partner more often with praise.Make sure your fights are specific. For a happy relationship, work on the actual issue, don’t make broad threats or statements like, “You never help me with the kids!”

Go ahead and sweat the small stuff. Bring up small issues with your partner so that they don’t evolve into a bigger, broader, less specific issue. Addressing smaller issues as they happen enables you to fix them. Don’t be afraid of conflict, as long as it’s specific and constructive. Repair relationship hurts quickly. Being willing to make up quickly after a fight, instead of ruminating on the conflict, tells your partner that you value them more than you value your side of the argument.

Communicate your needs for intimacy, and be aware of your partner’s intimate needs. It’s okay to go through periods of time where you’re less in the mood for romance. Just make sure that you’re communicating to your partner that you still love him, are still attracted to him and that you look forward to a time where things are less stressful and the two of you can be more intimate. Also, for a happy relationship, you must listen to your partner’s needs, acknowledge them and work out a level of intimacy that you can both live with.

Communicate your needs for intimacy, and be aware of your partner’s intimate needs. It’s okay to go through periods of time where you’re less in the mood for romance. (Shutter stock) Say I love you, a lot. If you can stomach it, indulge in cutesy nicknames and squishy love talk. When you call your partner by a sweet nickname or talk in a code language, you’re communicating that the two of you belong together, and enjoy being exclusive. If you’re not the honey bear schmooze pie sort, simply being sure to say, “I love you,” often will let your partner know they’re a part of something you value.

Stay up late talking. Remember those early days in your relationship where it seemed like you didn’t need sleep to function? You stayed up late making love and talking about everything with your partner. Over time, as responsibilities of sharing a life pile up around us, we stop talking about the things that matter to us. Get back into the habit of telling your wife everything that’s on your mind, and make her feel valued and important by listening to her thoughts.

Show gratitude for everything your partner does, even if they do those things automatically. Say thank you for a hot plate of food, take a moment to say thank you for going to work every day. Let your partner know that you realize and appreciate what they do and how hard they work. Don’t take your partner for granted.

Keep the passion alive, but not just in the bedroom. A happy relationship implies that you must share with your partner how you feel. If you’re feeling mad, show your anger, if you’re feeling especially adoring; lavish your partner in praise and admiration. As relationships go on, we tend to express our emotions less, and in more passive ways. These lukewarm expressions of feeling can bring your relationship down. It’s sexy to share passionate feelings with the person you love. Get excited about things and share that excitement.

Your relationship becomes happy ever after!!